Today’s Highlights: Summer Break Edition (Send Help and Snacks)

You know that feeling when you blink and suddenly it’s summer? Yeah, I blinked—and now I’m trapped in a 90-day heatwave with a 4-year-old, a 6-year-old, and a puppy named Nugget who’s got more energy than a double espresso shot.

12:00 PM: Quiet time. Ha! That’s funny. It lasts seven minutes before someone needs a snack, a new show, or has a life-threatening emergency involving a Barbie shoe.

6.30 PM: Bath time devolves into a water park. The floor is soaked. My bathroom smells like bubble gum shampoo. The kids are shrieking. Nugget tries to jump in. I consider jumping out the window.

8:30 PM: They’re finally asleep. I look around at the wreckage, eat an entire sleeve of cookies, and swear tomorrow I’ll make a schedule, plan activities, maybe even do something Pinteresty.

Then I remember—it’s summer. Schedules are lies. Pinterest is witchcraft. Survival is the goal.

And somehow, we made it through another day. Barely. But we did.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to hide in the pantry with my wine tumbler. Summer’s not gonna outlast me without a fight.